Maui bank robbers. Whaaaa?

Do not pass go, do not collect $200, go directly to jail and begin to serve 15 to 20 years.

Thankfully, banks don't get robbed too often, and for very good reason.

Why, why, why would someone rob a bank on an island in THE MOST isolated chain of islands in the entire world?

Talk about desperate. Pathetic. Dumb. I'm sorry, but it is what it is.

Not only is there no where to go, but, as my local teller told me, in every bank there is probably someone who knows you. Your neighbor, your auntie, your childhood pal, your old boss...

It is still a rather rural and tight-knit community when you get past the fancy hotels and gourmet restaurants. And I covered cops for years, so I know that the risk isn't worth it either. Unless you've got a tip on a payroll paid in gold coins coming in. Not only could you very easily get aerated with bullets, but most people who rob banks really only get a a few hundred to several thousands dollars.

That's it.

People don't have much better luck robbing tourists -- that really upsets the order of things -- or stealing cars.

And even on the Mainland, just about everyone gets caught hitting a bank. So what are they thinking, or they probably just aren't thinking because their minds have been roasted kalua pig style by ice? I'm not saying that was the case here, but it's the only excuse I can think of for why someone would be such an idiot.

Even if you get away, it would probably take whatever you made in your big score to get off the island, if you can get past the few dozen agents looking for you at every airport. And a boat won't get you far, unless it's a huge one and if you owned a big ole sloop you'd hardly need to steal from a credit union.

Or let's say you go to another island? Are ya gonna go on the lam? No. Because people don't just show up on a place like Molokai or Lanai without the entire island talking 'about ya.

Maybe you can hide out in Honolulu? For a few weeks. But it really ain't that big, no matter how much people complain about its size sometimes around here. And hiding out is expensive, unless it's done in a box or on a beach, and most likely, once again, people will notice you and you will get reported to the authorities, no matter what romantic notions people have about anonymity here.

Let's face it, if you owned a $10.2 million house on the ocean, you might call the cops to check out the new squatter in the garden.

Or maybe you just did it to take a nice break from society, in a federal prison. Because that's where you are you are going if you rob a bank on Maui. So not only is it terribly mean to frighten people for your slight financial gain, but it's a fool's errand.

No bank robberies, please. Hey, while I'm asking, how about no crime at all? Might as well ask while I'm at it.

Oh yeah, and that bank robbery last week? It took police about half a day, if that, to catch the alleged robber -- who used a stupid weapon to scare some poor teller. His photo was distributed and the police spotted him or were tipped or both. He was caught robbing a bank on Maui.

Just like everyone else does. So, kids, if ya need fast cash, consider selling plasma or getting a Maui News paper route instead.